Internal Family Systems and Understanding Parts of your Child
We often like to think of our sense of self as whole, believing that there is only one ‘me.’ However, certain schools of thought have begun to challenge this notion.
These approaches argue that having a single unified self is too reductionistic, and likely there are multiple parts within us, all with different agendas and motivations. This is why change is often so hard, as two or more parts of us often want different things. For example, one part of us may want to stop engaging in unhelpful behavior (such as isolating from others). In contrast, another part of us may want to continue the habit (it keeps us feeling safe and protected). This ambivalence can then create all sorts of issues, including difficulty changing attitudes and behavior, anxiety and frustration about the difficulty changing, and difficulty accepting parts of us that may want ‘shameful’ or ‘unacceptable’ things (such as shame about feeling the need to be protected).
For children, in particular, holding ambivalence is extremely difficult. A child may not be able to understand how they may have mixed feelings towards activities, others, or even themselves. One approach that may be helpful includes Internal Family Systems theory or IFS. IFS is a theory that claims “the natural state of human beings is to be subdivided into parts. It maintains that everyone is born with a Self that contains desirable qualities such as calmness, curiosity, compassion, perseverance, and patience. IFS assumes that we are born with this Self-energy as well as with parts and the ability to produce more parts, and asserts that internal balance and harmony are fostered as parts develop a relationship with, and act as a resource for, the Self .”
In plainer words, it is our very nature to create, split off, and interact with various parts. Ideally, in a healthy self, we can work in harmony with all of our various parts productively and constructively. However, occasionally, some parts may emerge that conflict with other parts. According to IFS, the three parts that often cause conflict are named Exiles, Managers, and Fire-Fighters.
Exiles
As we grow and develop, we learn that certain parts of ourselves, perhaps rejected, shamed, or wounded parts of ourselves, need to be pushed to the side for familial, peer, or cultural acceptance. These parts are called “Exiles” in IFS theory. The parts of us (memories, feelings, behaviors, or desires) that are unacceptable or unbearable to feel. Other, more protective parts of ourselves often work to keep these parts of us outside of our everyday awareness. For example, a bullied child may feel the need to push the part of themselves that feels rejected and hurt aside, as these emotions and experiences may be overwhelming.
Managers
“Managers” in IFS are parts of us that center around maintaining emotional and physical safety and stability. Managers strive to keep our exiled parts away from our everyday experiences through engaging in behaviors or tactics to keep these distressing parts away. Developing stress-management techniques and coping skills are often healthy aspects of the manager, but occasionally, the manager may go overboard. For example, a child’s manager may encourage them to avoid social situations and isolate themselves or engage in self-criticism to try and avoid feelings and experiences associated with the exiled part that feels rejected and hurt.
Fire-Fighters
“Fire-Fighters” are more reactive parts of ourselves that help us in times of high stress, crisis, or emergency. If our managers cannot keep the exiled parts away, and the child becomes overwhelmed with feelings of hurt and rejection, the fire-fighters may come in to take drastic action to maintain stability. In a child or adolescent, this may look like getting tattoos or piercings, impulsive actions, risk-taking behavior, and, in more extreme cases, acting out, engaging in self-harm, disordered eating, or getting into fights. All of these behaviors may be used to avoid painful feelings from the exiles, such as shame, hurt, abandonment, rejection, or similar feelings.
Understanding these parts can help caregivers better understand how a child’s behavior may stem from different parts. A child or teenager may not be acting out because they are just upset, but they are actually doing so as a defense against other, more painful parts. Helping a child to cultivate self-compassion, self-acceptance, and feelings of efficacy may help a child more effectively learn how to cope with exiled parts without overly relying on fire-fighters or managers.
In addition, it might be helpful for caregivers to understand how their own parts may put themselves at odds with the parts of their child. For example, a parent’s exile may conflict with their child’s manager. A child’s growing independence may be a source of pride for the parent, but may trigger exiled parts that fear they may become worthless or unnecessary. This can lead to parents having difficulty letting their children develop autonomy. Alternatively, a parent’s manager may be at odds with a teen’s fire-fighter. A teenager’s fire-fighter is often in overdrive, trying to wildly regulate strong feelings. A parent’s manager may need to set down structure and rules to help their teenager’s fire-fighter from making impulsive or harmful decisions. This can then lead to increased conflict between the caregivers and child.
IFS has also developed several therapeutic approaches that are effective for treating mood disorders, eating disorders, trauma disorders, and many other conditions in children, adolescents, and adults. IFS therapists can use these different parts to help children and parents learn how to understand and work with their different parts, learn more effective strategies, and tolerate ambivalence. If you are interested in learning more about IFS, you can find more information here.
